I told him. I told him everything, all of it. Spared no detail.
Well almost all but I know I could tell him anything. He already knew so much. Just a boy who sat before me, his eyes kind – kind but full of pain. He had already been through so much, I had no right to feel the way I felt. The way I still feel sometimes.
But, he knew enough for now. I didn’t want to scare him away, yet there are times when I still feel I already have. He’s still there. Why? How? I told him, gave the boy the opportunity to run!
How could he not? How could he not, when all I want to do is run away from myself.
This was not just a boy. No, he’s way more than that. He glowed with a burning light like a star that fell from Heaven itself. A cloud of darkness in his soul tried to snuff out his light. That is the greatest sin of all.
I have nearly cried before him many a time. He is my hero, my saviour and he cannot see it. And that is what pains me most of all.
I have suffer, still do, but he has been able to relieve so much of my pain. And then I look at him, my brother, my best friend. I can’t do a thing. I will not let him believe his alone, the kindest and purest soul I have ever come across. He knows I would never run away from him, but he does not yet believe it, so he closes himself off.
I wish he would open up his heart and share with me a piece of his soul, even the tiniest piece. It is unjust, unfair and cruel that such a great man, a great piece of my life must carry such a heavy burden. I cannot force him to break down his walls, but little by little he can bring it down brick by brick and when he gets tired I can take over for him.
Even if he just wanted a shoulder to cry on, a body for support, a hand to hold. Someone to talk to about the weather just to keep him distracted, or to just sit and silence with me. As long as he was not alone.
I hope he knows I’m only ever one call away.
I couldn’t runaway from him, not even if I wanted to do so.
Here before me sat a strong man, but eventually all strong men become weak without support. I can’t let him become weak. If he became weak, and God knows what would happen to this good man if he did, I would fall. My world would crumble around me and what remains of my withered soul would shatter into a million of pieces of loss, anger, hate, sadness and ultimately despair.
I did not now if he really cared for me. If he trusted me. How he saw me or who he saw me as. I honestly could not tell you that. All I do know is he will never be able to see me as I see him, and that’s okay, it can’t be forced and I didn’t care as long as in the end he knew he could come to me.
I may just be a boy, him a man, but I could never runaway from him.